Have you stopped to think about how you ask questions to your teenage son? This was my reflection when I entered the world of coaching. Coaching is a tool that allows reflection and decision-making from our being. It uses a methodology based on powerful questions, questions asked with a certain structure that leads us to analysis and the search for answers within ourselves.
Coaching taught me to know how to ask, to know why I was asking questions, but above all, who I was asking questions for. And that is why I realized that when I asked my 14-year-old daughter Ariadna (in the photo with me :)) she did it for me, she asked to let me know and to be able to help my daughter to know what is right or what it's bad for your life. Until coaching taught me that the best help I can give my daughter is that she herself, with her reflection and response inside her, realizes what she deserves in life and the risks or benefits that can have depending on what decisions you make.
“Get ready to ask questions for your children and you will discover the empowerment in their personal development”
So I changed the way I asked her questions and communicated with her, I put aside my mental map and dedicated myself to asking her questions for her, so that she knows how to make her own decisions knowing the risks or benefits that may entail. , being her own advice for her the ones that have the most strength.
It is amazing the power we give our children when we ask for them. It is surprising the impact that we generate in them when they themselves are the ones who advise themselves or give their own answers, when it comes from within. Sometimes with certain questions that lead to reflection, they may not answer us, but the seed will be planted, the reflection will have begun, and that reflection will be for them, not for us.
In the adolescent age it is quite common that our children do not consider or internalize our advice; advice that usually goes in a direction contrary to what they need... they need to fly and we need to protect them... and it is difficult for us to connect with them or help them.
Think about what you are reading and get ready to start asking questions for them and not for yourself.
Some examples:
(i) Your daughter is starting to go out with a boy who you think might hurt her or lead her astray. What would you do?
- Perhaps you would tell him: “I don't like this boy for you because he can hurt you or he can lead you astray” or perhaps you would ask him: “Don't you think that this boy can make you year old or lead you astray?
- Probably among some of his answers we would find: "Aih mom, dad, you're always the same, he's a good person, I like him, period." Not only do we not help her reflect, but we cause the opposite effect, she positions herself in defense of her boy.
- But it would all make much more sense to her if you ask her the question: “What would you like the guy to go out with you to be like so that you would be happy and at ease? This would make her reflect and perhaps she will not answer you at all, but the seed would be planted, she receives that question for herself, she knows that it is not a question for you, but for her.
(ii) Your son is not at all motivated to study, he does not see the point in it. What would you do?
- Perhaps you would say to him: "Honey, if you don't study you are going to have a very difficult time in life, you have to study to have a good future", or perhaps you would ask him: "Honey, what will your life be like if you don't study?"
- Probably among their answers would be: “Why am I going to study if I am not going to find a job” or “Why am I going to study if I don't even know what I want to do”. Surely what we want to achieve is that they study or have a motivation to do so in order to have a good future, but not only do we not achieve it, but with their response they are even more convinced of their decision.
- But have you stopped to think what you would achieve if you asked him: How do you imagine your life 10 years from now?
In some cases, coaching with adolescents, I have found answers such as: "Being famous and earning a lot of money." But as I have said, it is surprising how, following the methodology of powerful questions, they come to their own reflection of what they really want for their life. For example, in one case I asked: What would it bring you to be famous and earn a lot of money? And he replied: “... uff... now I imagine myself being famous and what stress... no, I wouldn't like it... and having a lot of money... well, it would bring me happiness...” And I asked him: What is life for you? happiness? And he answered himself: "...happiness is the affection of the people I love..." And the next question was: What does that have to do with making a lot of money? And his answer: “… none… money doesn't bring happiness… it helps you to have things you want but it doesn't bring happiness…” What force those words had…. He himself had found them for himself... And in this way, with this methodology, he managed to know what he really wanted for his life in 10 years' time.
But it would not be surprising if your son is not used to being asked for his reflection, he tells you: “oh, how strange you are, mom! Leave me alone". Do not suffer, the seed will be planted...
