Category: Articles

I have decided to write this article because I feel the need to do my bit so that one day violence will not be necessary. I know it sounds utopian, but I always say that you have to believe it to create it. On the other hand, I am convinced that the only solution is education.

The evolution of science, and of life in general, now allows us to learn things that we were not taught in schools. Learning that leads us to a better accompaniment to our children, for their better emotional and cerebral development.

Regarding the education of parents to children, there is something that has always touched my heart: understanding what people consider discipline.

The word “discipline” comes from the Latin disciple, which means "disciple, pupil, student". Discipline can be understood as the practice to achieve a result in a coordinated and orderly manner. And discipline can also be understood, as is done in the military, as compliance with the rules of behavior to maintain order and subordination among the members of a body, in which absolute obedience is required.

I would like to understand What is discipline in the educational field for most people?. Is it a practice that demands obedience, and, if not, does it result in punishment? Or is it a practice of accompaniment in a coordinated and orderly manner based on affection, affection, respect, empathy, coherence and emotional connection?

for me without a doubt discipline in education must be related to teaching from affection, empathy, respect and connection with our children.  Making the bad behavior of our children situations to create skills and not generate fear.

Some fathers or mothers spend a large part of their day to day expecting their children to do what they want them to do, to shut up, to stop crying, not to have tantrums or get angry, to do their homework or stop fighting with their siblings... And for this they use punishment, yelling and some fathers or mothers even use physical aggression. 

For those who even consider whipping in discipline, I would say: Do you really want to show your children that the way to resolve conflicts is to cause physical pain to someone who cannot defend himself against you? Do you really think we should teach our children that the way to resolve conflicts is by hitting? Wouldn't you like to live in a less violent world? Do you think that educating with violence can lead to a less violent world?

And for those who go to the isolation of their children, locking them somewhere in the house, I would say: what do you want to achieve? Do you think that your son will calm down and reflect on his behavior feeling alone and that you are not by his side to help him? When a child is punitively isolated, what they are thinking is: “how bad is my “father or mother” for having punished me and locked me up here.” This type of punishment makes children more angry, with which they end up being less able to control themselves and think about what they have done.  

A discipline based on fear and punishment can be effective at the moment, but in the short and long term they do not serve the good development of our children. We are teaching them that power and control are the best mechanisms to get others to do what we want them to do.. With this type of discipline based on fear and control, the child does not learn what he can improve on, he only learns that not obeying leads to something he does not like, that hurts him and that he does not want for himself. We are teaching our children to obey, instead of learning to make decisions.

When we make children experience fear or pain, we provoke a more reactive and primitive response in our children's brains. And we do not allow the most receptive and reflective part of the brain to be activated and developed, which leads children to make healthier and more flexible decisions, as well as to better control their emotions.

Children must be able to be and feel at all times without being afraid of their parents' reaction or disapproval; Although they know that what they have done to the father or mother has not liked, they know that they are by their side to help them improve, from respect, empathy, connection, and not from resentment and control.

When a father or mother educates in fear, they make their child enter a state of confusion and disorganized attachment. The child wants to escape from the father or mother who generates fear or pain, but on the other hand, he looks for security in that attachment figure. An unsolvable paradox, generating stress, cortisol, in the child and causing negative impacts on their brain development.  

Children often engage in inappropriate behaviors because they have not yet developed the necessary skills. By behaving inappropriately, they are actually telling us what they need to improve on. Let's take advantage of these moments as opportunities for knowledge and growth.

In general, misbehavior is because a child has had a bad time in a certain situation, and feels these strong feelings that he does not know how to manage, and misbehavior occurs as a simple consequence of it.

His actions, especially when he loses control, are a message that he needs our help.. For this reason we must connect with him, so that he feels that he can have our help, even if we did not like what he has done. To connect we must empathize with him, validate his emotions from understanding, and from there we can talk about what has happened and how to improve it.

The primary objective of education should not be that our children do what we want them to do because we are watching them or telling them what to do; but it must be to get them to learn to make positive and productive decisions for themselves. When we give our son the opportunity to decide how he should act, rather than simply telling him what to do, he becomes a more responsible person when it comes to making decisions.

Many times we are the fathers or mothers themselves who act like this out of fear, thinking that, if we do not punish, we will scream, etc. we are going to fail as parents and it is going to get out of hand. Now I ask you: if you were certain that, educating without fear or control, if not from respect and empathy, you would be able to get children who are responsible with themselves and with others, would you do it? why do not you try it?

There are better alternatives than fear or physical or psychological punishment; alternatives linked to the behavior or needs of the child, alternatives that are based on principles that correspond to value systems and respect for our children, as individuals that they are. In future articles that I will write we will see examples of some of these alternatives. For the time being, here are some books that I think may be of use to you:Educate without losing your nerves” by Tania Garcia, “discipline without tears” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne, “The boy who defeated witches and dragons” by Fernando Alberca, “How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk to you” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, “The four key system” by Patricia Robledo and José Feliciano, “Foundations of nonviolent communication” of Pilar de la Torre.

I know that it is not easy to be a father or a mother, nobody taught us. The evolution of neuroscience and psychology give us the necessary information to better accompany our children in their best brain and emotional development. Why not spend some time learning how to do it better. It is the best investment you can make for your children. The sooner the better.

The end of the year is approaching and with it the reflections of many people. I would like to share mine, in case it can be an inspiration to even one person.

Those of you who know me know that I am an engineer by training and that I am quite skeptical about everything that is not scientifically proven. However, I am curious and I like to listen, understand people and learn.

In 2018, at a meal with more engineers, they talked about their experiences with astrological charts made by an astrologer and mathematician girl. The energy with which they explained it and the great experience lived touched me so much that I decided to ask for an appointment for that astrologer and mathematician girl, I admit that out of pure curiosity.

The experience was significant, she talked to me about things that had happened in my life (including dates) without knowing anything about me; the only thing he knew was my name, my date, time and place of birth. It is true that you can get an idea of the identity of people just with their name and what they transmit on the networks. But some of the things that she told me are very intimate things that I don't usually post on the internet.

I remember that as she was talking I wanted to give her feedback and explain things to her about what she was saying, but no, she was limited to explaining my birth chart, not having a conversation with me, or psychology, or coaching. This surprised me because she transmitted what she saw in my letter without wanting to know if I agreed or not, or to be able to influence what I could tell her, so that she could make her argument. It was really a curious experience.

Commenting on my astral future, he told me that from the year 2021 my life would go through some wonderful years, since Saturn (which apparently is the planet that makes you wake up with painful situations) had already devastated several aspects of my life in this last stage.

Without going into whether this experience of the birth chart made sense or not, what is certain is that I was left with the hope and illusion that it would.

And now I find myself taking stock of this year and thinking… can I consider that it has been a wonderful year for me?

And that's when I start to reflect on what wonderful means to me. And the following question comes to me: if it is painful or hard, can it be wonderful?

I suppose that each person will be able to interpret things differently. In the end my answer to these questions is yes.

In my case, yes, because I know that pain or hardness takes me down the path to where I want to be.

That road is full of obstacles, and many of them unexpected, but I know my place, I know what I want to achieve, I visualize it and I fill myself with energy to move forward. And that energy becomes more powerful when I feel the hands of the people who trust me, those who help me, those who thank me and congratulate me for what I am doing... And that energy becomes my engine when my children are proud of me. me. What more can I ask for.

And what I have realized with this reflection is that regardless of whether the birth chart makes sense or is true or not, it is up to us to see life wonderful despite the difficulties, especially if we have a goal to strive for.

So I will continue on the path of obstacles, which, although difficult, is full of hope and illusion to fight for what I undoubtedly believe: a better world.

A better world made up of good people, a world of generosity to share, a world of humility to learn, a world of understanding to understand, a world of simplicity to live, a world of cooperation and collaboration, in short, a better world for my sons.

Ariadna, Víctor, Arnau, Uri and Berta, you are the engine of my life, my children. This year I will fight like never before to take education towards an education based on respect, affection, understanding, patience and love, because I know that it is the way for your better future.

In this way, this Christmas becomes a Christmas forever. Because I know that every rock or obstacle that I find will be to get something that remains forever, a better education forever.